Want to know what you may see as a Carolina girl on Tinder? Here is the ultimate list of pretty much any boy you will come across on the app. Trust me. Been there. Done that.
- UNC Grad Student: He is on the app because he legitimately has no time to go around to bars/clubs/coffee shops and meet potential girls. The entire Master’s or Doctorate pathway may be appealing (he has something going for him and is so smart!), but age doesn’t always equal maturity. Some boys never grow up.
- The fuck boy [who isn’t even trying to hide it]: He might not even say “heyyy”, just getting straight to the smash and dash. He isn’t even subtle. “Wanna f*ck?” “Dtf?” “Netflix and chill? ;)” This is probably a majority of the matches you will get. Sorry ’bout it.
- The fuck boy [who is kinda trying to hide it]: He starts a genuine conversation, but transitions into meeting up at his place for a movie and a drink of wine… and it’s clear what all that is about.
- The total frat bro: Half of his pictures are of his frat. He may literally just want a girl to take to the next party or event. Some girls want that, others don’t. Many are seeking a sorority girl to be the perfect match. That’s just not me.
- The international student: His English is questionable, but he is simply adorable. You may not know how to pronounce his name or communicate effectively with him, but he stands out for just being so WORLDLY.
- The virgin: This kid just wants some to see what all the fuss is about… and he thinks he can find someone easy on the app. Good luck.
- The kinky one: You read his bio thinking everything is okay… then you come across some BDSM “I wanna tie you up with rope and fuck your brains out” shit and swipe left immediately. Like, what?
- The dook boy: He will likely be obnoxious and constantly bring up the superiority of Duke, from academics (YES, the UNC academic scandal will be brought up) to basketball (again with the scandal). Let’s just not even go there.
- The one with a girlfriend: You tell your friend about this guy. Her Facebook creeping confirms that he has a girlfriend CURRENTLY. He definitely “forgot” to mention that to you on your first date. Great.
- The one with NUMEROUS girlfriends: You find out after meeting that he is in an open relationship… yeah… I don’t want to share. Sorry not sorry.
- The desperately seeking wife one: He lists his entire life history/interest/career/hopes/dreams in his bio. He is trying to WIFE SOMEONE, like now. Questions get too personal too fast and the desperation and clingy nature of it all is not attractive.
- The one who may not be attractive but you cannot tell because literally every picture has 15 people in it: Which one even are you?!
- The younger sibling of your best friend or roommate: WHY ARE YOU ON TINDER?! NO! DON’T RUIN YOUR LIFE. DON’T DO IT.
- The rich one: He is all about money and he will make sure you know how much he is worth. His picture probably includes his shiny status car, grand vacations, and the most expensive cuisine. It’s obnoxious to me, but, hey, some girls are into that.
- The one that is 350 miles away: You start hitting it off while messaging, only to realize that he is like a state away. Why?
- The med student: He has ZERO time for dating, with studying constantly, but he still wants a girlfriend. You swipe right basically because he is a future doctor. No shame in that… right?
- The familiar face that you know from somewhere: You THINK that face looks familiar… you think about it for a while… then it hits you. That’s your TA. Shit.
- The familiar face: It’s that guy you lived next to in the dorm freshman year. You always thought he was cute. You catch up, go over to his place, and find him tired, boring and high as a kite. It was better as a little freshman crush.
- The ex: You come across someone that you have DEFINITELY seen before… in your bed. NEXT.
- The obnoxious one: He is perfect on paper. He is successful, attractive, smart… then he opens his mouth and so much stupidity (some sexist or racist bullshit) comes out that you instantly regret ever downloading Tinder in the first place.
- The one on here “just for friends”: That’s not what Tinder is for. Go join a club or something. Sheesh. Be gone.
- The professional one: He is adulting forreal while you are just a college kid. Perks are he has his own place (not the entire trying to makeout in a dorm room shared by a roommate situation), a real job, and money. He is more likely to take you out on the classic date, wine and dine you.
- The entrepreneur: This young kid has been building a startup since he was 16. That’s all he talks about. He is ambitious, but can we talk about something else now?
- The science major: He pretty much has no time to really date anyone, but a study buddy that is eye candy would be nice?
- The model: He is FINE AS HELL. You swipe right and IT’S A MATCH. Then, you find out that he wants to be paid for a hookup and you wonder about prostitution laws in Chapel Hill and question everything. It was too good to be true that someone with an 8-pack would match with you. Sigh.
- The one who is never around: His address is technically near UNC, but he is always on business or school or family trips. You will never see him. Ever.
- The one who just had a breakup: This person is likely in a fragile state. He wants to probably hookup as a pick-me-up, to feel better. It can be emotionally messy and is better to avoid.
- The one who is boyfriend material: This is probably 2% of the male Tinder users. Catch them before someone else does… š
May the odds be ever in your favor.
The Calculating Mind 