That is how I feel…
as if my emotions are battling with each other for control over my mind…
like joy, sadness, anger and disgust are all fighting for exclusive control…
Well, I’ve had enough.
I’m taking control, now.
Bipolar will have to take a step BACK,
because this is MY mind, MY life
& I’m I don’t give up on fighting for my happiness.
So… her name is Joy.
This is fairly self-explanatory.
She used to dominate my mood,
touch every view and memory and person with:
unrealistic levels of optimism, at times.
This is Anger.
Now, Anger rarely, RARELY used to make an appearance.
Slight frustration? Sure.
Irritation? At times.
But, patience typically overpowered Anger.
During mania, Anger sometimes gets the keys to the palace,
gets more control than he should.
This makes me question the actions of others,
the hidden agendas, the purpose behind what they do…
It makes me paranoid, irrational, quick tempered, feisty…
In mania, it doesn’t take much for Anger to dictate
what words I say, how I feel, or what I do.
The destruction that Anger can leave behind,
the emotional turmoil,
the ruined relationships and friendships,
can be devastating…
Oh, Fear… my dear friend.
Fear has lately been too close,
all-consuming, all-controlling ALL of the time.
Fear of failure.
Fear of being labeled.
Fear of broken friendships.
Fear of commitment.
Fear of new relationships.
Fear of being wrong.
Fear of being right.
Fear of the future.
Fear of NO future…
Fear is not exactly my favorite.
In fact, Fear and the Nothingness of intense depression are best friends,
and the bleakness of Nothingness is my greatest fear itself.
Now, Disgust is an interesting one.
As I’ve grown, this one has grown as well.
No longer are ‘cooties’ and vegetables
at the core of disgust… even though some boys are. 😉
During the Nothingness,
a lot of the disgust can be aimed towards myself…
my lack of plans…
it can be overwhelming as well.
So… Joy. Anger. Fear. Disgust.
They all battle for my brain control
in a way that is excruciatingly painful,
and confusing and makes me question WHO I AM.
Joy, Anger, Fear, Disgust…
give me a break.
Let me have control of my emotions, my brain, my LIFE, again.
Please… I’m begging you.
I can only take so much of this constant intense, emotional roller coaster ride.
So, let’s be friends, not enemies…
and work together to create…
not a life of just happiness,
but a healthy, balanced life that I can enjoy and appreciate. 🙂