Keeping Bipolar Disorder a Secret…

“I want people to understand what I have to experience.

 

That I have to monitor my

every thought and mood –

to constantly ask if

my good humour

or

my enthusiasm

is a sign of hypomania.

 

That I have to be forever adjusting my medication,

medication that makes me

tired,

sluggish

and liable to gain weight.

 

That I try to do the same things as my classmates and colleagues,

yet struggle more at every step with fatigue,

memory problems

and a tendency to get more stressed by every little thing.

 

That I will never be able to skip exercise,

or to go to bed too early or too late,

or to have more than one drink.

 

That I have to wonder if

stressful or exciting events

might set me off.

 

That I spend days achieving precisely nothing

because my mood is not stable enough

to consistently apply myself.

 

That I have frightening thoughts that seem to come from outside of me –

thoughts I can choose not to listen to but certainly can’t control.

 

That just when think I am finally beginning to get a handle on this illness,

it pulls the rug out from under my feet.

 

That I live with the uncertainty generated by a condition

that tends to worsen over time.

 

That I am forced to wonder

if I have the strength and health

to be able to have the things that most people dream of –

a fulfilling career and family life.

 

That I may have to make hard choices.”

 

 

-Sarah

 

 

 

http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/blog/i-kept-my-bipolar-disorder-hidden-its-time-talk-about-it